escaping unscathed

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mother

I know this has pretty much turned into a running blog as of lately, but for my non-running readers, I have a post for you! Actually it’s for anyone who has kids. I’m sure all of you have seen things plastered on your Facebook walls and Twitter feeds of children, oh let’s say, behaving badly. The kids who dumped a gallon of paint and covered the living room and themselves. The little one who got into markers and gave himself and his dad homemade tribal tattoos. Seeing things like that made me think that I escaped the trials of early motherhood unscathed more or less. Sure, we had some incidents, most notably the Lexi-Annie hair cutting fiasco where my poor Banana had what I referred to as hillbilly bangs and a chunk taken off the side thanks to her sister. Thankfully, I was able to (somewhat) fix it, but really, was it THAT bad? Below is a list of things that I am happy to say never happened in my house, and thanks to the age of my kids (10, 8, and 6 1/2), I probably won’t have the pleasure of encountering.

  • Poop Picasso. I am forever indebted to my children for not putting me through this horrifying act. You wake up, walk into your sweet baby’s room, and find that he/she managed to wiggle out of that diaper and paint the walls, crib, you name it with poop. As a self-proclaimed germaphobe, this is the stuff of nightmares. I’m gagging just thinking about it.
  • Makeup Makeovers. I felt like this was a given with what I did to my mom when I was little. I have fond memories of stealing borrowing her Avon makeup samples (the tiny lipsticks were my fave), bringing them to my room, and getting them on myself, bedding, and other random room stuff. The fact my kids never did this to me as payback is a miracle.
  • Store Meltdowns. I must be an anomaly here because every other mother I know can recall at least one major meltdown in the store. I’m not saying I did anything better than any of them to prevent this from happening; I just happened to luck out.
  • Sleepless Infants. You would think that with four children at least one would have been a horrible sleeper. Not so in my house! While they may not have been necessarily fabulous while awake (um, Annie, I am talking to you), sleeping wasn’t an issue. Knowing they would sleep well at night helped my sanity.
  • Pet Terrors. This one was easy because we didn’t have any pets while the kids were little, so I missed out on all of the torture that four little kids can inflict on the poor family pet.
  • Mud Painting. I say this with trepidation because it is still a very real possibility, and this is another one of those things that warrants payback. When I was little, my friend Morgan and I innocently painted her garage with mud, much to her mother’s dismay. The end result was an “I’m sorry” letter to her mom and clean-up.

As I write this, I’m sure karma is going to come back to bite me for saying I missed out on all of these great milestones of motherhood. I know there are plenty of things that lie ahead, but I can’t help but feel grateful for my experience.

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